Fire Crotch

Of my tales from the emergency room, this one will definitely be re-posted to the top stories page…

I come on shift to find that I’m going to be doing a 1:1, this involves watching over a restrained patient(s) and documenting their behavior (baby sitting.) The patient I’m watching was brought in by the police department after quite a fight. Needless to say, he went from their handcuffs- straight to our restraints.

This gentleman (a definite stretch of the word) goes back and forth from being friendly with me, to downright threatening my life. He’s big and he’s mean and he makes sure that I know it. I spend mass time and energy trying to convince him to come to ct scan with me and finally he agrees. I take a security guard with me and he cooperates to go from the ct table- back to the gurney and into restraints.

Not long after I get him back to the room, he informs me that he has to pee. Luckily, he has enough slack on the restraints to perform the necessary movements on his own, so i just have to give him a urinal that’s sitting on the counter. He’s unable to make any urine, “stage fright,” he says…I hadn’t pegged him for the timid type.

Fast forward a couple minutes, he says “Dude, what was on that urinal… my dick hurts.” I tell him that the urinal was clean and assume he’s delusional. “Dude, can you get the doctor to come look at it? I think there was something on that urinal!” I reply “No, there wasn’t anything on the urinal and if you got something from a urinal, there wouldn’t be any visible symptoms this fast. “Well, can you look at it?” he says…

Now, I’m not in the business of examining people’s private parts nor do I have the expertise to diagnose any findings- so I tell him no. He’s getting more and more vocal and he’s really rubbing his crotch at this point. He rubs and rubs and gets louder and louder, “dude, my dick hurts, it HURTS!” At this point I have no idea what’s going on but this dude is getting pretty worked up.

All of a sudden he stops and looks up at me. “Noooo! The pepper spray!!!” he exclaims.

The police had hosed this guy with so much pepper spray, you would’ve thought they were cross-training with the fire department! Every time I went over by the guy, to give him some juice, my eyes would start watering… his face had been soaked in mace.

It’s only natural to rub your eyes when they’re on fire, and while using the urinal, he had transferred a bit of the residue to his groin. The best part was, that before he figured out what was happening, he was rubbing his crotch like a madman trying to sooth his pain- oops.

For the next half hour, he wailed and moaned, dropping F-bombs at full volume and writhing around in agony. I put some gloves on him and fed him a steady supply of wet wash cloths until the pain finally subsided. The rest of the day went much better, it was just what was needed to break him of his attitude. Hilarious.

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