Drunk and Dumber

drunk,toilet,meth drunk, sick, illness, passed out, crazyA guy is found sleeping in the bushes. Nothing the medics do works to get any response out of the patient. We run fluids, take bloodwork and find all kinds of stuff in this guys system. The main thing is that his blood alcohol level is over .3 and he has meth on board. He’s out like a light.

All of a sudden I look over from the nurses station- and there he is- standing completely naked at the end of the bed- that’s not good. I go in and get him back in a gown. Five minutes later- the same thing, this time he’s pissed- “What’s this thing in my dick?”

“It’s a catheter, we put it in because you were unconscious and that way you won’t pee all over yourself…”

“Get this thing out of my cock!” this guy screams- thus the vulgarity begins.

The amount of times this guy yelled out different, vile names for his penis should have been a good indicator that this was not going to a pleasant experience for those in charge of his care. The catheter comes out and this dude is cursing up a storm. The catheter is hardly out of his (insert creative name here) and he’s already trying to hit on random girls -passing in the hallway.

The nurse is in the room- he says to her…”You know I’ve got a huge cock?”

I snap right back at him, “No…remember…we put the catheter in…”

He laughs…”F you man….you’re an asshole.”

He really wants to go home and it looks like we’re going discharge him. We get him a shirt because we cut his off when he arrived unconscious. It’s a bright yellow “Safeway” shirt…he is not impressed.

He becomes progressively more and more vulgar and vocal as he waits to be discharged- voicing his discontent for all to hear. The world comes crashing down- the admitting doc decides that he wants the patient to remain in the hospital until he is sober- hours for sure.

The patient has already told me that he’s gonna leave- and get totally drunk and get it on with this tweaker girl he knows. He also tells the admitting doc that if he grew out his sideburns, he could really get some pussy…this guy is a real piece of work- and he’s getting angrier by the minute.

He postures, saying he’s gonna whoop all kinds of ass and that he’s leaving- the decision is made to put him in four-point restraints. I’m assigned the lead which means I’ll be holding his head and have to talk to him the whole time. He goes onto the bed and into restraints without a problem. He does however issue some nice threats.

“Ohh boy…if I catch you in a dark alley- I’ll punch you once in the face and you’ll be knocked out.”

“Yeahhh…I don’t think so….”

“What…you wanna test that? You better hope that I don’t find your address.”

“Yeah…that would be really bad- for you.”

The door was closed to the room and since he was making criminal threats against my safety, I had no problem issuing a few whitty comebacks. The goal, however, is to always have a calm and safe restraint- and to avoid restraints altogether if possible- so we do a quick debrief in the room before we leave.

Before I leave the room he says one more thing…

“I’m sorry for all that stuff I said- I know you’d whoop my ass…”




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